Erika Sanely (erika_sanely) wrote,
Erika Sanely

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Warning: Possible Maudlin Thoughts Ahead

Last night I dreamt I was pregnant. Not only was I pregnant, but I went into labour. My mum was with me, but because of her hysterectomy she wasn't well enough to come into the theatre with me I tried to stay in a birthing room as long as possible.

I had many people come to visit me, and at one stage I had about three doctors having a look at my nether regions from an angle I shall never see. Two of the doctors were student doctors (which I was fine with. At that stage I had been in labour for about 6 hours, and they were getting concerned because I had only dilated 1 and a half cms. They didn't want to induce me, so they suggested I walk a bit to try to get things moving.

So I went for a walk. It was a lovely walk - I left my room and went for a wee bit of a jaunt through a park. I ended up at another hospital that had waiting rooms with light yellow walls and blue trim on the windows. It had a room full of children (maybe about 6 or 7) laughing.

Eventually my cramps got very bad, and I vaguely remember pushing. I ended up staying at the hospital with yellow walls, becuase it felt so lovely and warm. I could hear the children laughing with their mothers through a window.

I had a girl. She was very small, which surprised and sort of worried the doctors. She weighed 6 pounds, 7 ounces (or it may have been 7 pounds, 6 ounces.)

I decided to name her there and then, as there was a concern she was too small. Her name started with a PA, but it wasn't Pamela. I have a strong feeling her name is Payton, though I have never given that name a thought before. She had a thatch of black hair. And her father's nose (though I do not know who her father is/was. He was not there, and no one mentioned him)

I had to leave her in hospital for quite some time. During that time I went walking again. Walked to a house my brother was thinking of buying. It was a decrepit place, but I could see it's potential. I decided to buy it with him, and convert the shed out the back to a granny flat for me and Payton.

She lived, surprising her doctor, and I gave her the middle names Delta Gloria. (Though I was going to change those. I felt they were too pretentious for such a little girl.)

This dream has made me so incredibly sad. All through the day whenever I've thought on it I've gotten stomach cramps. Even now; cramps. There's a part of me that can't help but wonder if this wasn't a dream at all, but some sort of cosmic twist that got itself blurred into me life. What if it wasn't a dream at all, but what would have happened if I had done something different somewhere in my life?

What if I'm supposed to be Payton's mother, but I never had her?

I've had these baby dreams before. This is the third time since I turned about 26 - is it possible in another life I have three children? What if these children of mine are trying to tell me something? Wanting me to do something to make them real? What if those nights I've had those dreams were the nights they were supposed to be born? Or were supposed to be conceived?

It feels like my life has just gone beyond my grasp. Right now I miss my daughter so much my heart aches, though I never had her.

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