Erika Sanely (erika_sanely) wrote,
Erika Sanely

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Two years ago I lost some weight. All up about 60 pounds. I could finally shop in 'normal' shops and I was looking fine Seriously. Never before had I liked myself. Never before had I felt good about being alive. It took a lot of work, and and lot of sweat, but I did it. And I swore I wouldn't go back. I wouldn't stop going to the gym. I wouldn't gain the wieght back.

So what the fuck happened??

I haven't gained all of it back (thank christ for that), but I have gained a fair bit of it back. And all on my tummy. The bastard of it. I can't get myself to walk past the gym, let alone go in. I didn't think I had gotten that bad until I went shopping on my holiday. The pants still fit good, but the tops... notsomuch. And it doesn't help that the fashion these days is to wear everything tight. For the record, even at my thinnest I didn't like people being able to tell what I had for breakfast just by looking at me. So today I'm back at it. Whatever the fuck it is. Writing down what I eat, making sure I drink enough water, and at the very least going walking instead of using the car today.

Although a part of me does know what happened that I let myself go back to my bad habits. Even though I lost the weight, nothing changed in my life. Even though I looked great, and felt great, and had so much confidence in myself nothing happened. No hunk of man meat declared undying lust for me. My job didn't amazingly improve. I was still the same. And I don't know why, but I had always thought "If I weigh x then my life will be better." or "It's because I'm y that no one loves me." When weight really had nothing to do with it. Damn it all.

Can someone please invent a time machine so we can all go back to a time when you weren't defined by the weight you're not?

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