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Invasion of the mutant lizard!!!
five o'clock
erika_sanely
So, today I've been doing a bit of house-work.

I had cleaned the main bedroom, spare bedroom, bathroom and half the kitchen when I decided to take a lunch break, and have a bit of a read of a book I had started yesterday. Now, I know I should never stop for breaks whilst cleaning the house. I am one of those people that gets the house dirtier and messier during the cleaning that it was when I started cleaning. It does, however and most importantly, get nice and clean by the end of the cleaning. It's just the middle of the cleaning the place looks like someone broke in and trashed the joint.

Anyway, I'm taking a break. When I'm home for the day, I leave the back door open so the boys and come and go as they please. They enjoy being indoor cats, but they prefer going to the toilet in the great outdoors. I think it makes them feel like they're real man-eating lion/tiger cats instead of furry cats - one whom is afraid of curtains. I have just finished eating a rather nice ham and salad sandwich when I hear a rustling noise. This is an unusual noise to be hearing, as my cats are not rustlers. They are bounders, and padders and jumpers. They wouldn't know how to rustle if their lives depended on it. So, I close my book and I see both my cats staring at the CD stand. This does not make sense, until I realise that they are not staring at the CD stand wondering why I have stacked Eminem on top of The Sound of Music. They are staring at this:




I am not ashamed to tell you that at this stage I swore quite a lot. The cats - the bastards that they are - hear me swear, and look at me. The look they both give me is "This isn't good. Oh well, we're going outside to hide until you get rid of it. Good luck with that." And then they both promptly turned around and walked calmly outside.

Bastards.

In the mean time I was in a state. I couldn't join the cats outside, as I was worried that evil Lizard Mutant of evilness would go hide somewhere and then in the middle of the night somehow use it's mutant powers to jump onto my bed and kill me. Actually, at this point I wasn't sure what type of lizard it was, and there are some Australian lizards that are poisonous, and deadly. I think. My mind wasn't working to good at this stage. So I grabbed a shoebox that I had in the living room that I had gotten out the night before as it held envelopes and stamps and I had begun to my Xmas cards as protection - it made sense at the time - and then I ran around the house trying to find something I could use for something. I eventually remembered that I own a broom, many in fact, and then I ran around the house trying to find one. You'll be pleased to know that I ran past one four times before I remembered what I broom looked it.

And all this time the evil lizard mutant of evilness (let's call him the Elmoe)kept moving.

So, armed with my trusty shoebox of strength and broom of brawn I walked towards the Elmoe. He must of sensed my wimpiness strength and brawn as he turned around and started to rustle/slither towards the backdoor. Unfortutlely he was not a mastermind Elmoe. He was an idiot, and he walked behind the open door, so he got himself stuck in the corner. All this time I am holding the shoebox in front of me, and brandishing the broom like a girl who knows what she's doing.

At this stage I realise I can hear my next-door-neighbour outside. If I went out the front door, I could have gotten the man to come over and help me rid my house of the Elmoe. However. I was in the middle of cleaning. I would have died of humiliation if the man had walked in and seen the half clean kitchen. So, I was on my own.

I did curse myself many many times for taking a break during cleaning. If the house was clean I would have been more than happy to call for help. I may have even dialed 000 and asked a policeman to come over and help me.

While I was trying to work out the best way to coax Elmoe from behind the door, Marley popped his head inside, smelt the air and gave me a "It sucks to be you. Call me when it's gone." and left again.

Bastard.

Three hours later - or three minutes, it's hard to tell time when you're trying not to poo your pants in fear - the Elmoe was on the move again. And this time he wasn't completely stupid! He went around the door, and started the long crawl outside. To help him/she/it out I stretched out, and using the broom of brawn I managed to get the back screen door open further. My arm started to cramp up, but I couldn't put the broom down, because the Elmoe now had slunk up to the screen door, and if I dropped the broom then the Elmoe would have been pushed back inside, and this would have been Very Bad Indeed.

But eventually, he/she/it got all the way outside, and I got to close the backdoor. I also locked it. Just in case.
The cats are still outside, and since it has just started to rain, I suppose I should let them back inside. But that would mean risking the Elmoe using mutant super-speed to run inside.

And that has been my day so far. I'm not sure if I need a really stiff drink, or to maybe throw up.

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I suggest a really stiff drink.

I am also one of those people who make an even bigger mess whilst in the middle of cleaning, so you are not alone! And I completely understand not wanting anyone to see your house in that state. This is why I made arrangements with my stepmother to go shopping for a dishwasher next week instead of this one; it gives me time to clean the house thoroughly before I have any workmen in to install the new dishwasher.

I had two cosmopolitions. It helped a lot.

There must be a physics law about a house needing to get messier before it gets clean. And if there isn't there should be.


I was telling my mum about it on the phone last night, and she pointed out that where they are lizards there are usually snakes.

I may never go outside again.

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